This past weekend I attend my niece’s wedding at the Spanish and Portuguese Synagogue, which is the oldest congregation in the United States, founded in 1665. On Shabbat I got called up for an aliyah1 , which was an honor and also notable as being the first time I’d been called in roughly 27 years. It was only the second Sephardic service I’d ever attended and the first Orthodox Shabbat service I’d been to in close to 30 years.
Despite how long it had been and the slightly foreign customs2, it felt eerie - practices seared into my childhood brain still bring up a sense of devotion, sacredness and home3. The strangest part was comfortably praying in community while knowing that my Vajrayana practices make me an apostate at best, idol worshipper at worst. I didn’t mention this to anyone. Both of these traditions coexist pretty happily in my mind, though.
I was asked to give the wedding speech for my family, which made me a bit nervous, as the groom’s grandfather is a pretty famous rabbi, and the other wedding speaker was himself a well known rabbinical scholar. Luckily for me, my speech popped out of the dharmakaya during my darkness retreat 9 months ago, so there weren’t any decisions to make. I’m reposting it below (with a video of my delivery). The theme of the speech was tantric (the perfection of imperfection), but tactfully I avoided any direct reference to Buddhism. No one got mad so it seems like none of the religious folks picked up on what I was doing. They might have just been being polite. Offering teachings with this kind of attunement is is a skill I am working on.
The wedding speech
I was chosen to give this speech because it was thought that I'd be the most able to speak without breaking down crying. Nope. Please, talk amongst yourselves. I'll even give you a topic. Artificial intelligence is neither artificial nor intelligence. Discuss. Ok. Thanks.
I've been studying the genre of uncle's wedding toast and there are a few key components I have to touch on:
First, gratitude and thanks
Second, an enumeration of the virtues of the bride and groom (I promise I'll keep this to a minimum)
Third unsolicited advice,
Fourth, hopefully something genuinely profound and moving
And finally, at least one cringeworthy joke. Sorry - those are the rules. There’s your warning.
Let's start with gratitude. I'm grateful to be here with all of you. I'm no expert in halacha like some of the fine people in this room but I did say Shehecheyanu earlier. In Russian, we have a more succinct blessing my father will often say —‘Dazhil’— roughly, “I’ve lived to see this.” My parents are thrilled to have reached this day, and so am I. Of course in expressing that gratitude it bears acknowledging all of our loved ones that aren't here and couldn't be here – my grandparents, Jonathan’s grandmother and other loved ones who have passed away. May their memory be a blessing.
Second, on behalf of my family, thank you to the Arking and Angel families for welcoming us so warmly. We are honored to share this connection with you now and going forward.
Third, thank you—honored guests, family, friends—for sharing this simcha with us. We're so grateful you are here with us on this happy day.
I also want to thank Rabbi Angel for the heartfelt and moving ceremony.
And finally I want to thank the people working here today, providing the planning and organization, the food , the music, and the service in this beautiful space. The work of creating celebration is sacred and we notice and appreciate your care.
With gratitude out of the way let's start with compliments. I suspect that everyone here is well aware of the virtues of these two and so I won't go on except to say: Of course they are brilliant, but more importantly kind individuals devoted to the good. I know my parents tell anyone who will listen how amazing Abby is. Maybe we can trade: the Arkings can brag about Abby, and we’ll brag about Jonathan. Jonathan is wonderful, kind, energetic, curious - like a perfect kindergarten report card. I know everyone in my family is so excited to have you as part of our family.
Ok now I can say whatever I want - so I’m going to talk to you about the perfection of imperfections.
When Abby was starting high school, she was so driven to be perfect that I told her, ‘Go make some mistakes.’ She ignored me perfectly—thereby following my advice. Not making a mistake was her only mistake.
But imperfections – they’re essential. In Kabbalah, it’s said that God’s creation of the universe—tzimtzum—was the divine spirit withdrawing to make space for us. This world we live in is a product of God making space for our imperfection. It also makes for some good advice for any young married couple to keep in mind. Withdrawal leads to creation.
I warned you there would be a questionable joke! I'm sorry. Chatgpt predicted this would happen!
No, what I’m trying to say is – if God can make room for us, we can make room for ourselves. This has also been beautifully expressed by mystic and songwriter Leonard Cohen who wrote “there’s a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in." We must open ourselves up to our own imperfections in order to fully feel divinity.
How do you do that? By accepting your feelings. Carl Jung wrote: “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate.” What he meant is that if you don’t fully acknowledge an emotion, it doesn’t disappear—it steers your actions unconsciously in harmful ways.The more I accept my feelings, the more compassion I feel, and the better I can act. And that's true in relationships too - the more you accept each other the better you'll love one another.
Accepting doesn't mean acting on your impulses. It means acknowledging them. And that might be hard. Everyone has annoying things about them they don't want to admit. Trust me. But revealing them is vital. And you can do it with a friendly, loving curiosity. And if you do, you might find space for actual change. And sometimes you might realize that those annoying things are part of what makes us great too. So my unsolicited advice is this - open up to yourselves and each other. Accept the annoying and the amazing. And may your love grow ever more perfect by embracing each other's imperfections. I love you. Mazal tov.
This is the blessing one says over the Torah when the weekly portion is being read from the scroll.
Sephardic Jews have Spanish/North African roots, in contrast to the European Ashkenazi. We are only talking about the last two thousand years or so — the communities have common origins, obviously. And no, I’m not making any claims related to current extremely tragic events. My rule regarding such conversations is that I will only have them face to face. Frankly, I do not think my questionably informed opining online is going to be of benefit to anyone. You can call that cowardice if you’d like.
Why I’m not a fully practicing Jew at present is a topic that deserves its own post.
You're a real sweetie. And look great up there! Can't believe you got away with that withdrawal joke. Haram!